DNA Vida Libre

What would you do to save your loved ones? Whatever that answer is; would you do the same for yourself? I ask because most of us make ourselves the martyrs. I mean why is it okay for us to talk bad to ourselves, have negative thoughts about ourselves and not believe in ourselves? The past two days I have kicked butt at work and at home. I am going to be honest, at times I feel like I am on a high and then I go down to a low, I just want to control my emotions and thoughts a little better-hence why I go to counseling. My lows are scary in that I try my best to avoid and fight off the negative feelings, loneliness, anxiety, self-doubt, fear of failure and rejection etc. I try my hardest because I know I am not alone. I am loved. I know I can succeed, I thrive off challenges. And then I get through it, dragging myself on the floor (in my head) like if I had been in a warzone, which in way I was. I am fighting the addict in me who wants to alleviate the symptoms with substances that w

I went to the doctor yesterday morning and got blood work done--nothing bad, just routine. But I don't like getting blood drawn; it brings back memories when I feel that familiar sting just like the Nine Inch Nail song Hurt. The phlebotomist took the needle out and wrapped my arm up. I left. Grabbed some coffee; my Friday treat and I headed off to work to kick ass. It was a none stopped day. My only self-care practices implemented was 1. deep breathing in between meetings and 2.  humor amongst my favorite group of coworkers.  3. my manager blew bubbles at me ❤️ I got home last night at 7pm (I left the house this morning at 6:45am). My kiddos strict bedtime routine starts at 730pm to be in bed by 8pm. Challenge night #2: went well. He fought a little but actually went to bed. 1 book was read and when he asked for a repeat I encouraged him to read it to himself. Since he doesn't know how to read yet, we made it a game to make up his own story by looking at the pictu

Changing habits and shifting cultures was the focus today. Both at work and at home.  At work: I sat in an 8 hour session going over 5 areas that needed to be addressed in our government agency to shift the culture from top to bottom and all around. To go from "sink or swim" to "collaboration and well-being" cultures. It will be slow but effective as long as we believe and lead from any chair. It will take 5-7 years. I have hope. I am intrigued and excited. Challenge accepted.  At home: My child got in trouble at daycare. The babysitter has 20+ years experience and for her to lose her calmness means my kiddo did something bad. He yelled, cried, broke rules, woke up his friends at nap time and cried wolf all day long. When he gets in trouble--we get in trouble.  Two days in a row he fell asleep 2-3 hours past his bedtime because we engaged in bedtime fighting.  Today we decided we are changing our routine, plus his punishment was no TV, dinner and early bedt

I lacked sleep today. I should know better.  I went to a highly intense job with little sleep and no partner in crime to use as a soundboard. When this happens--I cry. For no particular reason, I break down like when a toddler is tired but they cannot or will not go to sleep. I felt like giving up.  Self-Care Practices of the day:      1. I took deep breaths; 5 of them, while counting to 5 before                 exhaling. That got me to a relaxed state--more like light                   headed but it made the next step easier.      2. I closed my eyes and I repeated to myself (like a mantra): "just do what you can--you are enough" "Fuck the assholes. Fuck the assholes. Fuck the assholes." "I can do what I can and that is enough."       3. I re-read my to-do-list; picked one item to tackle. That was              all I could do.       4. I also focused on the good things even if they were little to              help me get through the day. 

I took a day off from writing yesterday. I was beat. Mondays are hard. I went to work, sat in the sun, went home, made some dinner and fell asleep. That was my Monday. Today I had a worker shadow me. It was non-stop all morning. Emails, IMs, workers and managers. I then had a training that I completely forgot about because I did not start my day how I normally do. Which is, I get there a few minutes early, I take my time and review my planner, compare it to the Outlook calendar from work and review emails to make sure I have not missed a thing. Which of course I did today. Luckily the manager was nice and stalled while I set the laptop and projector and loaded the powerpoint.  Am hour later I finished up some emails and due to some time sensitive paperwork, I had lunch at my desk. I hate doing that because then it becomes a "working lunch" and who seriously wants to do that? I finished the day off by heading to another office for a meeting. Took my notes, acted like

Self-Care Practices of the Day: Took it easy.  Did not argue or battle with my 3 year old--I chose my battles wisely :) 10 minutes to myself Deep breathing. Soaked my feet in the bathtub,  Shaved my legs and  Washed my hair. Today I had self-doubt and fear creep in. I am afraid that all that is good, all that I have worked for, is too good to be true. What if it gets taken away? What if I fall before I reach the finish line?  WHat if the good life I have disappears? But as I was deep breathing and taking 10 minutes to myself--no talking--just me and my mind. I began to think: the only way my good life would disappear is if I made it disappear. I know that if I relapse, I will have caused my own destruction. All that I have worked for, all that I have gained back will be gone. That is the only thing I have control of. Everything else is not in my hands. I can do the next right thing, but ultimately if things are meant to be, they will be without me having to manipulate

Yesterday, May 10th was Mother's Day for many Latinos. I get to celebrate this day twice for my sisters, mom, cousins etc. That's one of the many benefits to being bicultural--you get to celebrate multiple holidays. It was a special Self-Care Day.  Self Care Practices: Graceful--apologize and accept apologies Breathe Back/neck alignment and massage Drums Dancing So May 10th--pretty awesome and easy day. After kicking ass at work for four hours; I left early for a chiropractor appointment followed by deep tissue massage.  I was home by 2:30pm with no Chucho, child nor big child in the house. Just a kitty that leaves me alone unless its dinner time.  I rested. Took my CBD oil and the relaxation continued. Eventually the boys came home, we got ready for dinner and I was taken out on a sushi date with my favorite human beings.  The surprise--Mother's Day Powow!  My little one wanted to dance but backed out because he had no "dress" so I told him I wo

I got bombarded with more bubbles today!! Sometimes we need extra help to get by, to be functional, or to return to a normal state. Sometimes we need extra help to get through those dark tunnels. But, when we come out on the other end--we come out stronger, wiser, and more loving of ourselves. Also-a lot more forgiving. Self-Care Practices of the Day: Actually attended counseling today. Took my breaks Stretched, practiced those de-stressor yoga moves Started setting boundaries at work I said No. Self-affirmations! I am enough! Listened to music!  I have been seeing my therapist for a year now. I hadn't shown up for about 3 months because of work, or illnesses and anxiety, mostly social anxiety.  I did not want to return to the highly addictive anti-anxiety medications aka "benzos" which I used to love. I had no idea how addicting they were. So I decided to go to counseling.  When I was in rehab, the heroin withdrawals were bad BUT nothing was wo

Self-Care Practice:    Let your loved ones love you!  Let them show you their ways of loving you and accept them.  Do not reject them or stop them.   Let them make you laugh when you are down.   Let them love you while you learn to love yourself again. Let them care for you while you learn to care for yourself again. Social Capital = your social network that is made of friends, family. Support network. Your village that you can rely on during tough times.    As I walked into work I admitted to myself that I had been moping around the office since my friend/partner in crime moved to a new role. I found it annoying that everyone kept checking up on me asking how I was doing, how I was hanging, what was I going to do or worse-- pointing out the obvious like "wow your office looks so empty since she left." I was dick. My responses were smart assery. And I probably made a few faces and rolled my eyes. I am not good at hiding my thoughts, feelings, or reactions--my face

Today was tough.  Mentally tough. Emotionally bleh.  I slept very little. At work by 7am and I must have sent about 100 emails by 10 am. I had a training to implement regarding policy to workers.  46 slides, 1 hour and we only got half way done. I felt like a shitty lead but mostly because I didn't plan well, keep track of time and I could not answer 2 questions. I know I am not a shitty lead, I am one of the best but its funny how lack of sleep can make it easier for negative thoughts, negative talk and self doubt creep into my daily routine. I broke a promise made to myself of taking a mental health day when I lack sleep because I tend to get emotional. Anyway, I just thought about all the upcoming changes in my life and how I need to be saving time. When I reached out to a teammate about the unanswered questions, I disclosed to him that I felt like a shitty lead. He laughed and stated that tends to happen--it is normal. I laughed as well and we made some more jokes about our

Well yesterday we went on a quick trip to the river which then turned into a hike to the river. We found an awesome spot where I collected river rocks for the aesthetic eco-friendly look that I am trying to create in my backyard. My ZEN Zone. Who knew picking up rocks would be such a rewarding work out. Which then energized me to wake up at 430am. Stretch. Greet the rising sun with some semi-fancy yoga moves--I practiced my breathing skills BUT who knew breathing could be so hard to control when you are aware of your horrible breathing patterns?? lol. I felt like I couldn't suck more air in through my lungs and into my belly...something was not working right. The important thing is that I tried, I fumbled through my Yoga/stretch routine. Felt good. Which then prepared me for: The first day at work without my partner in crime. I missed her. A lot. But I survived. I kept to myself. Worked through the emotions which cannot be healthy but I did not want to put on a fake smile or

Today was a day of moving. May the fourth be with you. Went to a "Build your own Lego Man" birthday party and then to an after party bounce house. To the park for a play date with my sponsor's grandson-I think it is amazing and challenging to see two 3 year old toddlers socialize ❤️ and then back to their house to continue playing. Needless to say--we didn't eat very healthy (jajaja), basically sugar on top of sugar with some water. This may not seem like a big deal to most people; however I have A LOT of social anxiety. Small gatherings I can do. Big gatherings or gatherings with people I don't really know--I avoid. Being more open about it with my friends and co-workers has actually helped. They understand when I "flake" on an event. But they also really really support and encourage me to attend. With a happy-go-lucky social kid, I don't really have a choice. I DON'T want him to be like me or his father--nervous and anxious around people.

First Friday of the month at a local government agency can be challenging. Especially when the team is covering for a co-worker that will be out for the next 3 months due to mental health issues. She did not practice self-care. She normally carries a "specialized" case load that involves women and men currently residing in an alcohol and drug facility with at least one child. For many years she was the only worker who worked with this "specialized caseload". I knew she was struggling. It was common knowledge in the office; however sometimes the social service field can jade and numb many of the workers' ability to acknowledge each others struggles. Perhaps because they are dealing with every one's trauma while dealing with their own secondary trauma if not their own trauma. So instead of healthy self-care techniques; she picked up smoking. Fell behind on cases, paperwork was not tracked correctly and families went without the support they should have receiv

Its been a few years... I've had some crazy ass adventures. Lots of ups and downs. Gravity hit hard on those down times haha. BUT. 09/15/2013. That is my sober birthday. In the last 5.5 years I have promoted 3 times at a local government agency in Eugene. I have gotten engaged, had a baby boy. He is incredible. Got out of some insane debt---I have been "adulting" successfully! I will be starting a graduate program in the Fall and will still be working full time--with a 3 year old. So that I don't go insane--I will be practicing "self-care" activities and venting a lot on this blog. I will try to keep everything as discreet as possible. This is the internet tho. So self-care practice and venting will commence NOW. If anyone has some interesting ideas, please feel free to share with me. Today: Mommy and Kid day. Taking in the fast times as much as possible. Breathe innnn... La DNA