Today was tough.
Mentally tough. Emotionally bleh.
I slept very little. At work by 7am and I must have sent about 100 emails by 10 am. I had a training to implement regarding policy to workers. 46 slides, 1 hour and we only got half way done. I felt like a shitty lead but mostly because I didn't plan well, keep track of time and I could not answer 2 questions. I know I am not a shitty lead, I am one of the best but its funny how lack of sleep can make it easier for negative thoughts, negative talk and self doubt creep into my daily routine. I broke a promise made to myself of taking a mental health day when I lack sleep because I tend to get emotional. Anyway, I just thought about all the upcoming changes in my life and how I need to be saving time.
When I reached out to a teammate about the unanswered questions, I disclosed to him that I felt like a shitty lead. He laughed and stated that tends to happen--it is normal. I laughed as well and we made some more jokes about ourselves and our moments of self-doubt. In this government agency we use sick humor a lot to get through the day.
For my team and I it is normal for us to have feelings of incompetence or feelings of not being enough, not doing enough. How crazy is that--that we say its normal! Why does it have to be? In a large machine, the culture of our agency and beliefs that reinforce the classic sayings "if you work hard enough, if you can't handle it, or you are not doing enough," is slowly changing. Emphasizing a focus to include trauma informed practices and awareness in our daily work of ourselves, our peers and the people we serve. The change is slow but it is happening. It starts with me and the people I face, the people I train and the people I help. By changing myself and keeping myself healthy I am showing the rest of the workers a new paradigm of our professional world. Our work does not have to be difficult.
I was graceful about the training not being finished. Easy fix. It will be continued next week, plus it was A LOT of information to take in. All day there was a line outside my door of workers with questions, questions via skype, email and phone calls. I felt like leaving but that would not help my to-do list stop from growing longer. Plus the adult in me reminded me of counseling appointments and massage appointments scheduled for later this week. So I saved my time.
In between questions and calls, a worker came in and we talked about our issues. She showed me some awesome de-stressor moves and so we practiced them in my office. Other workers passed by, saw through the window and joined us! It was AWESOME. She later brought a cover for the window on my door!
I love that when someone saw I was having trouble they reached out. I love that I reached out back to her to grab her hand and meet her half way. Honesty and genuine empathy. 5 years ago I would have pretended to be okay, to be tough and would have rejected that hand. Followed by numbing and toxic substances. Those were some lonely, dark and scary times. Writing about it now makes me so grateful that I am no longer stuck in that world anymore.
Self-Practices of the day:
La DNA.
Mentally tough. Emotionally bleh.
I slept very little. At work by 7am and I must have sent about 100 emails by 10 am. I had a training to implement regarding policy to workers. 46 slides, 1 hour and we only got half way done. I felt like a shitty lead but mostly because I didn't plan well, keep track of time and I could not answer 2 questions. I know I am not a shitty lead, I am one of the best but its funny how lack of sleep can make it easier for negative thoughts, negative talk and self doubt creep into my daily routine. I broke a promise made to myself of taking a mental health day when I lack sleep because I tend to get emotional. Anyway, I just thought about all the upcoming changes in my life and how I need to be saving time.
When I reached out to a teammate about the unanswered questions, I disclosed to him that I felt like a shitty lead. He laughed and stated that tends to happen--it is normal. I laughed as well and we made some more jokes about ourselves and our moments of self-doubt. In this government agency we use sick humor a lot to get through the day.
For my team and I it is normal for us to have feelings of incompetence or feelings of not being enough, not doing enough. How crazy is that--that we say its normal! Why does it have to be? In a large machine, the culture of our agency and beliefs that reinforce the classic sayings "if you work hard enough, if you can't handle it, or you are not doing enough," is slowly changing. Emphasizing a focus to include trauma informed practices and awareness in our daily work of ourselves, our peers and the people we serve. The change is slow but it is happening. It starts with me and the people I face, the people I train and the people I help. By changing myself and keeping myself healthy I am showing the rest of the workers a new paradigm of our professional world. Our work does not have to be difficult.
I was graceful about the training not being finished. Easy fix. It will be continued next week, plus it was A LOT of information to take in. All day there was a line outside my door of workers with questions, questions via skype, email and phone calls. I felt like leaving but that would not help my to-do list stop from growing longer. Plus the adult in me reminded me of counseling appointments and massage appointments scheduled for later this week. So I saved my time.
In between questions and calls, a worker came in and we talked about our issues. She showed me some awesome de-stressor moves and so we practiced them in my office. Other workers passed by, saw through the window and joined us! It was AWESOME. She later brought a cover for the window on my door!
I love that when someone saw I was having trouble they reached out. I love that I reached out back to her to grab her hand and meet her half way. Honesty and genuine empathy. 5 years ago I would have pretended to be okay, to be tough and would have rejected that hand. Followed by numbing and toxic substances. Those were some lonely, dark and scary times. Writing about it now makes me so grateful that I am no longer stuck in that world anymore.
Self-Practices of the day:
- Breathing. Deep, deep, deep, and timed breaths.
- Drink my water.
- Took bathroom breaks timely--can't think clearly if you're body is going through some stress as simple as holding your pee.
- Honesty--I was honest when I did not know the answer--I am not a computer!
- Self-affirmations--I am doing great. I am enough. I am not sorry!
- Yoga moves
 |
| I did this one A LOT today! Salutation pose! |
 |
| Cat Cow Pose! I felt great doing this one! |
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| Forward Pose. This one was a little hard, belly kept getting in the way 😆 |
Thats is for today. It was tough but reflecting on it, I did okay. I did not hurt anyone. No one hurt me. No amendments to be made.
La DNA.
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