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Hold on for the ride

What would you do to save your loved ones? Whatever that answer is; would you do the same for yourself? I ask because most of us make ourselves the martyrs. I mean why is it okay for us to talk bad to ourselves, have negative thoughts about ourselves and not believe in ourselves? The past two days I have kicked butt at work and at home. I am going to be honest, at times I feel like I am on a high and then I go down to a low, I just want to control my emotions and thoughts a little better-hence why I go to counseling. My lows are scary in that I try my best to avoid and fight off the negative feelings, loneliness, anxiety, self-doubt, fear of failure and rejection etc. I try my hardest because I know I am not alone. I am loved. I know I can succeed, I thrive off challenges. And then I get through it, dragging myself on the floor (in my head) like if I had been in a warzone, which in way I was. I am fighting the addict in me who wants to alleviate the symptoms with substances that w
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Recent posts

Create what I want

I went to the doctor yesterday morning and got blood work done--nothing bad, just routine. But I don't like getting blood drawn; it brings back memories when I feel that familiar sting just like the Nine Inch Nail song Hurt. The phlebotomist took the needle out and wrapped my arm up. I left. Grabbed some coffee; my Friday treat and I headed off to work to kick ass. It was a none stopped day. My only self-care practices implemented was 1. deep breathing in between meetings and 2.  humor amongst my favorite group of coworkers.  3. my manager blew bubbles at me ❤️ I got home last night at 7pm (I left the house this morning at 6:45am). My kiddos strict bedtime routine starts at 730pm to be in bed by 8pm. Challenge night #2: went well. He fought a little but actually went to bed. 1 book was read and when he asked for a repeat I encouraged him to read it to himself. Since he doesn't know how to read yet, we made it a game to make up his own story by looking at the pictu
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Challenge Accepted

Changing habits and shifting cultures was the focus today. Both at work and at home.  At work: I sat in an 8 hour session going over 5 areas that needed to be addressed in our government agency to shift the culture from top to bottom and all around. To go from "sink or swim" to "collaboration and well-being" cultures. It will be slow but effective as long as we believe and lead from any chair. It will take 5-7 years. I have hope. I am intrigued and excited. Challenge accepted.  At home: My child got in trouble at daycare. The babysitter has 20+ years experience and for her to lose her calmness means my kiddo did something bad. He yelled, cried, broke rules, woke up his friends at nap time and cried wolf all day long. When he gets in trouble--we get in trouble.  Two days in a row he fell asleep 2-3 hours past his bedtime because we engaged in bedtime fighting.  Today we decided we are changing our routine, plus his punishment was no TV, dinner and early bedt
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Being Kind. Being Easy

I lacked sleep today. I should know better.  I went to a highly intense job with little sleep and no partner in crime to use as a soundboard. When this happens--I cry. For no particular reason, I break down like when a toddler is tired but they cannot or will not go to sleep. I felt like giving up.  Self-Care Practices of the day:      1. I took deep breaths; 5 of them, while counting to 5 before                 exhaling. That got me to a relaxed state--more like light                   headed but it made the next step easier.      2. I closed my eyes and I repeated to myself (like a mantra): "just do what you can--you are enough" "Fuck the assholes. Fuck the assholes. Fuck the assholes." "I can do what I can and that is enough."       3. I re-read my to-do-list; picked one item to tackle. That was              all I could do.       4. I also focused on the good things even if they were little to              help me get through the day. 
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10 minutes

I took a day off from writing yesterday. I was beat. Mondays are hard. I went to work, sat in the sun, went home, made some dinner and fell asleep. That was my Monday. Today I had a worker shadow me. It was non-stop all morning. Emails, IMs, workers and managers. I then had a training that I completely forgot about because I did not start my day how I normally do. Which is, I get there a few minutes early, I take my time and review my planner, compare it to the Outlook calendar from work and review emails to make sure I have not missed a thing. Which of course I did today. Luckily the manager was nice and stalled while I set the laptop and projector and loaded the powerpoint.  Am hour later I finished up some emails and due to some time sensitive paperwork, I had lunch at my desk. I hate doing that because then it becomes a "working lunch" and who seriously wants to do that? I finished the day off by heading to another office for a meeting. Took my notes, acted like
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Time travel & Hope

Self-Care Practices of the Day: Took it easy.  Did not argue or battle with my 3 year old--I chose my battles wisely :) 10 minutes to myself Deep breathing. Soaked my feet in the bathtub,  Shaved my legs and  Washed my hair. Today I had self-doubt and fear creep in. I am afraid that all that is good, all that I have worked for, is too good to be true. What if it gets taken away? What if I fall before I reach the finish line?  WHat if the good life I have disappears? But as I was deep breathing and taking 10 minutes to myself--no talking--just me and my mind. I began to think: the only way my good life would disappear is if I made it disappear. I know that if I relapse, I will have caused my own destruction. All that I have worked for, all that I have gained back will be gone. That is the only thing I have control of. Everything else is not in my hands. I can do the next right thing, but ultimately if things are meant to be, they will be without me having to manipulate
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Healing History

Yesterday, May 10th was Mother's Day for many Latinos. I get to celebrate this day twice for my sisters, mom, cousins etc. That's one of the many benefits to being bicultural--you get to celebrate multiple holidays. It was a special Self-Care Day.  Self Care Practices: Graceful--apologize and accept apologies Breathe Back/neck alignment and massage Drums Dancing So May 10th--pretty awesome and easy day. After kicking ass at work for four hours; I left early for a chiropractor appointment followed by deep tissue massage.  I was home by 2:30pm with no Chucho, child nor big child in the house. Just a kitty that leaves me alone unless its dinner time.  I rested. Took my CBD oil and the relaxation continued. Eventually the boys came home, we got ready for dinner and I was taken out on a sushi date with my favorite human beings.  The surprise--Mother's Day Powow!  My little one wanted to dance but backed out because he had no "dress" so I told him I wo
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